


a social experiment

by crotch_centric



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/F, Holtzbert - Freeform, Smut, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 02:01:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13354152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crotch_centric/pseuds/crotch_centric
Summary: Since Abby has reposted her and Erin's book, Holtz has heard more decompressing (ie venting) about Abby's former best friend. Holtz decides to put her (untested, of course) far-fetched pseudo science to the test. It's time to bust into Erin Gilbert's personal life in disguise.SPOILERS: Holtz switches bodies with Phil, strategically tying up her own body before hand so the real Phil can't intervene. What she doesn't expect is to fall so hard for Erin, but it shouldn't come as any real surprise considering how wonderful Erin turns out to be and how desperately Holtz just wants someone to let her love them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Generally when I write fics, I write all of what I post at a time in one sitting (impatience, maybe?). This one wasn't like that. It was fun and definitely interesting to write.

Friday. Debatably the best day of the week because of the all-day anticipation of relaxing for two more. Three more, she corrected herself in her thoughts remembering Monday was Labor Day.

 

As much as she would love a romantic weekend out of the city, she knew even bringing the idea up to Phil was fated for a belittling, dismissive chuckle. That’s okay though. With her final tenure review next week, she had to be extra impressive. She was going to spend her extra day off getting ahead of her deadlines. Maybe she’d bake some treats or something too for brownie points.

 

Phil had left early that afternoon, so she walked out of her building alone. Not that he would walk too close to her anyway.

 

\---

 

“Booyah!” The excitement in her voice filled the dingy room, speaking to nobody except back to her own ears.

 

“Alexa, call Abby.”

 

\---

 

She collapsed on her sofa after ambitiously laying out her notebooks, scrawled with her latest ideas and unsolved equations. The best of intentions to get right to work and not let the concept of procrastination seep into her veins evaporated with her heavy sigh.

 

Erin must not have realized how exhausted she was until she woke up to a dark apartment in the exact same position. She got up, mindlessly did her bedtime routine and crawled in bed. The messages on her phone went unnoticed until morning.

 

\---

 

“Holtzmann. Jesus woman, take a breath. You know I can’t comprehend anything you say when you speak that fast.”

 

“Abby, my only question is whether or not unlocking achievement ‘mad scientist’ can lead to a level of witchcraft unknown to the unmad.”

 

“Please tell me you messed with the coding of Life is Strange. That would alleviate so much of my confusion and worry right now.”

 

“I’m not going to lie to you, Abs...”

 

Even though knowing Abby wasn’t religious, she could have sworn she felt her friend touch her forehead, chest, and both shoulders through the phone. She heard a lofty exhale, followed by silence.

 

“Listen, I didn’t call to worry you. But let me just say, if my adrenaline was an army, we could beat Russian winters.”

 

“That’s supposed to make me feel better? Holtz, you do know adrenaline kicks in when you’re in  _ danger  _ to keep you alive??”

 

“Or excitement! And you can’t be the one lecturing me on safety Miss ‘let’s capture an angry paranormal entity.’” Her energy was still apparent in her voice, yet must have simmered down enough for her to keep tinkering with something during her conversation.

 

“Please, just please be careful. I like you too much to stand by and let you do something potentially reckless. Especially without me. You know what…”

 

“Nope, don’t bother checking up on me. I purposely found a place unidentifiable.”

 

“Oh so not only are you probably breaking the law and putting your life in jeopardy, but I can’t see you at all on a long weekend?? You’re my favorite friend! We have a handshake!!”

 

“In my defense, 1 It’s not illegal. There are no laws to date that say anything about swi-- this project. 2 You’re still my favorite friend, too. Above all else, Abs. And 3 I swear to Krampus, I will tell you everything on Tuesday. Oh yeah, can you cancel anything we have scheduled on Tuesday? We won’t want interruptions.”

 

“You better.”

 

“Pinky swear. Alright, gotta go. I’m going under.”

 

“Ugh, I hate you.” Her words said I hate you, but her tone said ‘I love you.’

 

“Love you, too Abby.”

 

\---

 

With how silly dream interpretations were, it was common knowledge that dreaming of dying or being chased represented insecurities in waking life. But that didn’t make sense. As an established, professional, successful man in his field, he hadn’t had insecurities since junior high,  _ maybe. _

 

There was something hyper-realistic, yet surreal about this one. It didn’t feel lucid. It didn’t feel like his subconscious was warding off attacks, it was as if his soul was. Another thing he didn’t believe in- the existence of souls.

 

Phil rolled over to readjust, hoping that falling back asleep would send him into a less lively slumber. He was unaware of his proprioception until he felt his body being restrained. His eyes were only met with more darkness when he opened them, but allowed him to notice the friction on his eyelashes.

 

What the hell was this? Did he have a blindfold on? Why was he tied down?

 

\---

 

Abby worried. Holtzmann was brilliant, but occasionally impulsive. She knew that sometimes the little woman’s excitement for something could make her logic murky. Like waiting until she was ready. But she admired the zest and passion in her colleague. It was just going to be a long weekend.

 

\---

 

Erin would never understand how beds magically became more comfortable upon waking up than trying to fall asleep. She pushed the thought from mind as she rolled to her other side and hugged the pillow in her arms closer, dozing back off.

 

It wasn’t too much longer before Erin woke again, unable to deny her internal clock anymore. Stretching before she pulled her legs out from under her duvet, she decided it was time to start her day.

 

Confusion was her initial reaction to the first message on her phone.

 

“Sweet dreams” 11:42 pm

 

Huh.

 

“Date tonight?” 8:37 am, was the other one. Skepticism arose in the expression on her face. Phil never planned dates, or wished her a goodnight unless it was immediately after having sex.

 

Although it couldn’t hurt to see what he had in mind.

 

“Sure! Pick me up at 7?”

 

\---

 

Confused beyond his wits, he was really pissed off. So many unanswerable questions were stewing in his brain.

 

_ Did somebody break into my apartment and kidnap me like a fucking child? Why wouldn’t I have woken up? Did they drug me too?? What could someone even want with me? I’m a very reasonable man and can have an adult conversation. Whoever this was is going to get the air sued from their lungs. _

 

Upon squirming around trying to pinpoint how his body was constrained made him realize a few startling things. His scrotum was nonexistent. With that much wrestling with his chair, he would have expected a few pinches or at least slight discomfort.

 

Nothing. The room was chilled, but it wasn’t  _ that  _ cold.

 

He wasn’t a man to regularly work out, but he did have some muscle. Muscle that wouldn’t be so exhausted by his efforts. He felt smaller and incapable of possibly escaping.

 

Defeat wasn’t an option. He could be tortured or killed here.

 

He struggled again without success, and suddenly became very aware of the fabric of his shirt on his nipples. He threw his body weight in one direction, sending his awareness next to the fact that he had more flesh on his chest.

 

_ Am I in a woman’s body? Impossible. Am I still dreaming? Most unlikely. _

 

\---

 

Hm, a new body. Interesting.  _ Not quite an upgrade, but it will work. _

 

Holtz looked around her new surroundings, not surprised to find it was stale. The walls were dull and bare. Everything seemed to be in place, but everything had a purpose. There were no personal touches, not even any plants- or any sign of life.

 

She cringed thinking about how some people live their lives with no personal expression or creativity. Hell, it didn’t even have to be their own creativity, just appreciating  _ anything _ that exists just for the sense of existing as itself. Something that was owned just for the sense to look at and appreciate for its own character.

 

_ Alright, enough with this nonsense, let’s get to it! _

 

\---

 

Beyond the mask, he could tell the room was dark. The air was damp too, leading him to induce that he was in a basement somewhere.

 

Still in such a disillusioned state of mind, he knew he had to do something. He forced himself to remember the last thing he could.

 

Running. He remembered running. He also remembered some essence of resistance and then feeling almost free, but tethered. Like a spiritual zipline for lack of a better explanation.

 

No, that wasn’t real. That was a dream. Okay, he remembered going to sleep on the Friday night of Labor Day weekend. How long had he been asleep? Days? Weeks? Better question: How long had he been  _ here  _ asleep?

 

“My legs are stuck too?” His reverberating complaint was interrupted by an all too familiar noise.

 

“Here’s what I found: Tuktu is a word in the inuktitut language meaning caribou. Is this what you wanted or should I keep searching?”

 

“Alexa?”

 

Again, she indicated that she was listening.

 

\---

 

Erin made significant progress despite her excitement for her *hopefully* sexy weekend. To reconnect with Phil was much needed; their relationship had been on the back burner the past couple of months, getting crusty and soggy.

 

He has even mentioned a few times that he’s not entirely sure it’s going to be worth either of their time with as much as they have going on. That irritated her. She didn’t engage in the conversation, but it festered in her for while.

 

Phil was not busy. He wrote mediocre, by her standards, journal articles but never failed to be published. He had gotten tenure a handful of years ago and now had more freedom to slack off. But she dare not say anything along those lines- Phil prides himself in his “hard work” and “creating and pursuing opportunities available to all.”

 

She shakes off the wave of resent and reminds herself that despite her experiences as a woman in STEM, Phil has worked hard and deserves to relax a bit.

 

\---

 

When Erin answered the door, Holtz must not have said anything. She must have just stared with wide eyes and an open mouth, not realizing that this was a sure treat in this romance (if you could call it that).

 

“Is it too much?” She asked, as she ran her palms down the front of her dress over her hips, sticking out a leg to look at foot which was residing in a not-too-comfortable looking stiletto.

 

“Too much? Are you kidding? You look… wow.”

 

Erin’s cheeks heated up. She wasn’t used to eliciting that sort of response from her boyfriend. I mean, she definitely felt hot after checking herself out in the mirror a few minutes prior.

 

_ I’d fuck me. _ She had thought to herself as her eyes drifted over her eyes, lips, and breasts. That’s what people meant by self love, right?

 

“So… uh, where are we headed?”

 

It took Holtz a few moments to realize she was asked a question before she pulled her eyes away from Erin and looked at the wall to remember what she had planned.

 

“Well I thought we could go uptown to that Greek place.” She had done some light stalking on Erin’s bio on Columbia’s website and one of her ‘about me’s was she loved Mediterranean food. “It’s a little bit of a walk, but it’s nice out. You would have to change your shoes though.”

 

Erin looked a little startled. Not without good reason though. First, Phil had remembered something about her interests. Second, he wasn’t in a rush to get this date over with- he was actually willing to go for a walk with her instead of cabbing directly there and directly back. Third, he was being considerate for her comfort. He had never paid attention to her footwear, and especially not to the fact that she might not be wearing them solely for comfort.

 

“Sure, of course. That sounds nice.”

 

\---

 

They took their time walking to the restaurant and Phil’s behavior continued to confuse Erin.

 

He had subtly reached for her hand after a few blocks. It could have been because of the sudden density of people around them, but there was an underlying tenderness to it. It was a “I don’t want to lose you,” not a “you need me to protect you.”

 

“How’s work?” Of course, the obligated conversation.

 

“It’s fine. There’s a lot going on right now, but I’ll relax more after my meeting with Filmore.”

 

“Oh yeah… big meeting huh? Are you ready for it?” With as many psychics as Holtz had interacted with in her days, she knew feeding Erin vague questions would help her figure out what she was talking about.

 

“Yeah, so much pressure. If I don’t get tenure, I’ll probably have to go back to Princeton to do post-doc work and not even be considered a real faculty. But according to Filmore, Princeton is sub-elite.”

 

“Really, he said that? Maaybe a half-step below Columbia. But at least you’re not at Higgins, am I right?” He chuckled.

 

“Wait, that’s a university?? I’ve seen the banners… science institute? Or something like that..”

 

“Institute of Science, yeah.”

 

“...but I thought it was some sort of kids museum with interactive science exhibits.”

 

“Haha, close enough. I’ve been there a few times and it’s definitely not prestigious.”

 

“Really, why have you been there?” This was news to her.

 

“Oh… uh, I wanted to ask Dr. Rebecca Gorin a few things on her early research.”

 

Erin’s always been critical of details. Phil wanted to discuss research from a woman in science? Was that right? And he used her correct titles in referring to her?

 

“Oh, I’ve read some of her work too. What specifically?”

 

They continued talking about the protocols of conducting safe experiments with untested particle accelerators. It was nice to be able to discuss work in a civil, non-condescending way and actually bounce theories and tangents off of someone who was apparently secretly knowledgeable about some of her deepest interests.

 

This is what attracted Erin to Phil initially. The fantasy of feeling close to someone by discussing the capabilities of the universe and complex, objective material.

 

She was unsolicitedly ripped away from that comfort.

 

“So how are your parents doing?” Holtz remembered Abby saying how Erin’s mom was a total sweetheart. Passive and predictable maybe, but she really did have the best of intentions. Her dad on the other hand…  _ oh well that explains her attraction to this tool… _ was assertive, dominant, and impatient.

 

\---

 

“You wanna stop somewhere for drinks?” Generally after her dates, Erin wanted to get home and recuperate as the introverted side of her needed. But with how pleasant dinner was, she was fine with staying out a little later.

 

“Sure!” She bumped her shoulder into his chest, which was exposed enough to her because his hand was around her back, keeping her warm as the temperatures started to drop. “...Or, I have a bottle of wine in my apartment if you’d rather be more… excluded.”

 

Yep, she still had it.

 

“Mmmm, does that offer include snuggles on the couch and watching a sci fi? Back to the Future or Jurassic World maybe?”

 

“Hah, if that’s what you want. Plus, I thought you hated science fiction? Something about them being too cheesy and predictable?”

 

“Of course they are, but they’re better than rom coms.”

 

She wasn’t going to argue with that.

 

“Alright, let’s go!”

 

\---

 

They were about a third of the way back to Erin’s when Holtz realized they were coming up on Abby’s favorite soup place. It was plainly but elegantly an all you can eat soup and salad buffet.  _ It definitely beats Zhu’s. _ She thought to herself, remembering Abby’s exchange with Bennie a few days prior.

 

Was it because she was thinking of Abby, missing her, that she hallucinated seeing her through the window? Nope. That was definitely Abby.

 

She was reading a mystery novel and had a sense of anxious energy to her that was out of character. Holtz felt a pang of guilt knowing she was likely the cause.

 

Instinctively, she raised her hand to wave, forgetting there was no connection between Phil and Abby.

 

“What are you doing?” Erin deadpanned.

 

Phil spun around, not missing a beat, “Hailing a cab! It’s starting to get chilly and you don’t have pants on.”

 

Holtz allowed herself to breathe after Erin bought her improv.

 

The little debacle caught Abby’s attention from the other side of the glass, squinting as she tried to make the figures out in the dark past her reflection.

 

She hardly linked eyes with Erin before huffing and returning her attention to the story on the pages next to her empty bowl.

 

Erin’s nervous energy rose to the surface of her skin. Part of her wanted to go in with her new confidence tonight and say hi to Abby. But there would be too much implications and baggage to sort through.

 

“After you, my lady.” Erin turned back around to see Phil holding open the door of the cab.

 

“So chivalrous…”

 

“Of course, I am a gentleman.” Holtz declared puffing out her chest, forgetting for a moment that she was not in her own body. It usually got a chuckle from her dates, but she saw Erin dismiss the comment, realizing it wouldn’t be too out of character for the typical straight white man to be a gentleman just for recognition.

 

\---

 

“Hey Alexa? Untie me.”

 

“What’s the password?”

 

“I don’t know. Alexa, I don’t remember the password.”

 

“Would you like to reset the password?”

 

“Yes!! Yes I would like to reset the password.”

 

“Please go to settings on your Alexa app.”

 

To think it might be that easy was a mistake. The engineer behind these restraints had two of the most intense internships known: one at Google, doing programming for internet archives and analysis, and another with the government, learning how to hack the hackers.

 

\---

It wasn’t long before they were back at Erin’s apartment. Holtzmann made herself at home and sat on the couch scrolling through potential movies as Erin stuck to her word and poured herself a glass of wine. She chuckled at herself realizing that manspreading as a lesbian only helped her fit the role.

 

“Do you want wine too, or I have…” she started to ask looking through her cupboards, “uhh, a little bit of gin, or rum.”

 

“Wine is fine, dear.”

 

“Okay,  _ honey.”  _ The pet names did kind of weird her out, but thought she might as well give it a try.

 

“OH, we could watch Westworld!” Holtz was excited, never having seen it but hearing good reviews. Oh my gosh, or One Mississippi, I’ve heard great things about that too.”

 

“You know what One Mississippi is?”

 

_ Fuck, still not myself. _

 

“Uh, yeah. One of my cousins is gay.”

 

“Really, which one?”

 

“Well, second cousin actually. Jillian.”  _ Stop asking questions, damnit! _

 

“Oh, I haven’t met her yet. I say we put on something that doesn’t require…  _ all  _ of our attention.”

 

She said it with a smirk, setting down her glass and getting cozy next to her boyfriend.

 

Holtz’s mind was spinning. Like a spin-top on a roulette table hurtling through space.

 

She turned her face towards Erin’s, which was getting closer by the moment. Erin had the softest lips, which gently connected with her own initially. It wasn’t a jiffy later that there was desire driving the kiss.

 

It took Holtzmann a couple moments to collect her thoughts and realize this was happening and she had to act on it. She touched Erin’s cheek with her thumb and felt a light pressure at her groin. Her pants were suddenly tighter, as if the air had been sucked out of them.

 

_ Oh yeah, that’s a penis… that’s what happens when… _

 

Her thoughts couldn’t finish because of the intimacy she hadn’t felt with another person in  _ so long. _ It drowned the voice in her head and submerged any frame of logic that told her this wasn’t the goal.

 

But there was something about Erin- about the evening. She genuinely felt close to her, connected as if they’d known each other for years. In some sense, she supposes, she has. Through reading her 600 page book, to hearing countless memories from Abby. Those, obviously, were stretched slightly by emotions involved.

 

This was her experience with Erin. Though brief so far, it was real. Plus, her and Phil had been dating for a while now, and it’s not like they hadn’t done this before. She has to play the part. She has to conform and not let it be known that there was a secret within this mysterious, foreign body.

 

She reached her arm across to the top of Erin’s hip, just needing to feel more of her. Half assuming Erin was going to shift her weight to straddle her boyfriend, she started to settle back into the couch.

 

Erin had something else in mind and scooted her seat towards the middle of the couch, pulling Phil to hover over her.

 

Holtz went with it, doing what felt natural… except this goddamn boner. She had no idea how to manage that, but she could feel Erin’s gravity (and body) from below her and the heat continued to melt into the base of her pelvis.

 

_ How do heterosexuals even… do this?? _

 

Good god, all the deities in heaven and purgatory must have been casting their graces on Erin. Holtz caressed Erin’s breasts through the little black dress, surprised that they didn’t fill her hands as they would have if she had her own hands.

 

She kissed down Erin’s jawline as she continued to massage her upper body with her hands, being cautious to move much of her lower body, regardless of how she could feel Erin itching to squirm beneath her.

 

_ A dress! Perfect, I can just do what I know how! _

 

Down the jawline, throat, and chest, Holtz made her way to Erin’s thighs. The material of the skirt of the dress was slowly pushed up and out of the way as she waited for confirmation from the recipient.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“What do you mean what am I doing? I’d like to be eating you out. Can I do that?”

 

“Oh, well I figured. I’m just surprised.”

 

“Can’t a man go down on his woman?”

 

“First off, I’m not  _ yours.  _ And second, yes of course. Just a special treat is all.”

 

“You sure are.” Phil winked up at her. “Plus, with how much you are turning me on right now, there is no way I could last long enough to get you anywhere with… you know, the standard.”

 

Before she really had time to respond, she felt her panties being pulled aside and a warm mouth at her core. A finger was soon inside of her, curling repetitively to the side. Others were pinching and twirling her nipples, still through the fabric of her dress.

 

It didn’t take long with how much anticipation had built. Sweat had beaded along her forehead, making her bangs cluster in chunks.

 

“How did I not know you could do that? Holy shit. Do you have any other hidden talents? Juggling? Sculpting? Anything else I should know about?”

 

“Come on, like I’ve  _ never  _ gone down on you before.”

 

“You’ve never  _ gotten me off _ by going down on me!”

 

“Wow, I am sorry, because you deserve that.”

 

“I certainly won’t complain if you wanted to do more of that in the future. But as for now, we’ve got something else to attend to.”

 

The devilish smirk returned to residing on her face.

 

Holtz felt Erin’s fingers fumbling with the button at her waistline. Reflexively, she grabbed the woman’s smaller hands in her own. She was not ready to deal with knowing there was a penis in her pants.

 

“Actually, babe. I’m kind of tired. Can we just go to sleep?”

 

There was only a flash of defeat on Erin’s face for not being able to reciprocate, but was soon replaced by respect for his decision.

 

“Yeah, sure okay.” She gave him a quick smooch, tasting just a hint of herself, before getting up to get ready for bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Phil rarely stayed the night after sex. If he did, it was an equal division of the bed with no sharing or boundaries crossed. Then he would get up in the morning and leave before there was a chance for breakfast and would exit the same way he would leave a staff meeting.

 

This is why Erin was alarmed at the clattering of dishes and noises of cupboards being rummaged.

 

She shimmied into her robe and made her way to the kitchen finding Phil only in his boxers (not unlike Holtz) with two mugs. Taking one from him, Erin’s planned confrontation was interrupted by words she never anticipated to come from Phil.

 

“No hummus?? Erin!”

 

“What? I ran out, like yesterday.”

 

“How am I supposed to make you avocado toast 2.0 for you?”

 

“Who are you? It’s like somebody else took over your body.”

 

“You can tell??” Holtz figured a joke would be the least stress inducing response on her part.

 

_Is Phil always like this in the mornings? Is that why he leaves every time… because I don’t have hummus?_

 

“No nutritional yeast either?” He looked personally offended.

 

“Ew, what is that?”

 

“It’s nature’s Cheeto dust. How do you survive without it? Especially being lactose intolerant?”

 

It was a stretch that that was accurate. Holtz had just assumed after not seeing any cheese or ice cream, or dairy milk.

 

“Well I suppose I should go grocery shopping. And get hummus and nutritional yeast so my food stock is less offensive to you.” The comment was meant to be light hearted, but sounded almost sad because of Erin’s groggy morning energy.

 

“Nevermind, we’ll just go out for breakfast.” She almost made a comment about gay brunch but caught herself in time.

 

“Don’t you have to get home and do work things? Or weekend cleaning? Or whatever you usually have to do on the weekends?”

 

“Meh, not important. I’ve gotta eat. And so do you, so let’s put some street clothes on and get going.”

 

“Are those your street clothes, mister?” She poked him in the belly and gestured to his boxers.

 

“Hah, good one. No. I’m thinking I’ll just wear my clothes from last night. I don’t think I’ll fit into your suits. Plus, I can’t pull off the tiny bowties look like you do.”

 

“You could try…” She muttered under her breath, turning back to her bedroom.

 

“Excuse me?” Was Erin Gilbert a kink?

 

“Nothing, I’ll go change.”

 

“Do you have something in mind?”

 

“Phil, dearest. I always have something in mind. There’s a lot going on under the surface, dude.” Her point was emphasized with all sorts of finger pointing and scrunching.

 

Holtz’s interest was peaked. She followed Erin to her room to watch her dig through a drawer and fling some silk and lace panties at her face.

 

Without thinking, Holtz replaced her underwear right then and there, too excited to have Professor Gilbert telling her what to do.

 

\---

 

They ate their breakfast, continuing their conversation about their individual projects at work. Holtz thanked her younger self (<24 hours younger) for thinking to look through Phil’s PC and briefcase and spoke with quick wit, relating those topics to Dr. Gorin’s work to keep up her story.

 

When she went to pay, Holtzmann found that Phil’s wallet was not in her back pocket. Thinking back to how uncomfortable it was to sit on, she remembers having taken it out and tossing it onto Erin’s coffee table.

 

After apologizing excessively, they decided to head back to Erin’s.

 

“Actually, do you mind stopping by my place for a hot second? I’d like to shower quick and change.”

 

And so they did. But not long after they shut the door behind them, Erin was suddenly close and apparently still riding her high from the previous night.

 

They kissed a bit until Holtz had to resist crossing the threshold. As they pulled apart, Erin made an observation, “Your beard grows fast. It’s scratchier than it was last night.”

 

“Well I’m sure glad it wasn’t too scratchy on your sensitive skin…” she emphasized trailing her fingertips up Erin’s thighs. She broke away and dashed off to the bathroom.

 

Finally. For all the times she’s told herself that successful relationships are bred out of commitment and hard work, fate is finally giving her some validity. There was a new life in Phil and a new spark in their relationship. There was finally a sense of chemistry born out of her relentless patience and tolerance of the stale boredom the past few months- a sense of freedom and carelessness in the best way possible. The shadow of defeat around him was illuminated.

 

Not sure how long the shower would take to heat up and also wanting the fresh face to be a surprise, she turned on the shower and used the electric razor (thankfully!) across her stubble.

 

Her shower was super fast, not too surprisingly as she didn’t have to worry about a whole mess of hair. Opening his dresser was close to the reaction she had when initially waking up in his apartment. He had so many neutral vnecks. She didn’t find a single colorful shirt or out-of-place piece of clothing. The most interesting thing she could find was a pair of argyle socks (still black, grey, and white).

 

There was one last thing she thought of while in the shower. Victory was hers when she found the tube in his bathroom. Pocketing it, she sent a quick blessing to her bland, prepared-as-a-boyscout host.

 

\---

 

It must have been hours, maybe even days of Phil dozing in and out of consciousness. When he finally woke up, an idea dawned upon him.

 

“Hey Alexa, call Erin.”

 

“Call Aaron Duffield?”

 

“Shit. No.” If that was the only Aaron in this woman’s contacts, then switching bodies with him wasn’t to get to Erin. Then again, if they did have Erin’s contact information they wouldn’t necessarily need different access.

 

“Alexa, google Erin Gilbert, physics, Columbia University.”

 

“Found: Erin Gilbert, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Theoretical Particle Physics at Columbia University. Is this what you were looking for?”

 

“Yes, call Erin Gilbert.”

 

“Office hours are closed right now, do you want to proceed with calling?”

 

“No. Alexa, search Erin Gilbert, Manhattan New York on Whitepages.”

 

“Found: Erin Gilbert, Manhattan New York, early forties. Related to Julie and Michael Gilbert of Michigan.”

 

“Yes, call Erin Gilbert.”

 

“Do you want to start your free trial to unlock contact information?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“What is the password?”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?”

 

“Yes, you programmed me to have a sense of humor. Calling Erin Gilbert.”

 

\---

 

“So I have an idea, but I’m not sure if it will work.”

 

“Yeah? And what’s that?”

 

Holtz reached into her pocket and proudly displayed the little tube of orajel.

 

“We’ll just wait for it to kick in, I’ll wipe as much as I can off, and then it’s all about you, baby.”

 

Erin’s puzzled expression was clarified when Holtz gestured towards her crotch.

 

“It will help me last longer and hopefully…” she trailed off, not really sure where she was going. In all reality, she was just not too fond of the idea of feeling that part of her body.

 

“Wow. I’m not gonna say no to that.”

 

She kisses him, pushing her weight into him and against the counter. Holtz can’t help but graze as much of Erin’s surface as she can with her large, muscular hands. It happens almost subconsciously as she is so distracted about how it feels to kiss someone smaller than her.

 

Erin’s already taking off her outer layers and unbuttoning Holtz’s button-up, raking her fingers down the masculine frame in front of her. It wasn’t long before Holtz felt herself become erect, not going even slightly unnoticed by the other woman. Still weirded out with her physical genitals, Holtz stepped aside relieving the pressure between them and snaked a hand down Erin’s front to use her fingers instead. Erin melted beneath her, grinding herself into the hand that has never touched her like this.

 

“Another surprise, huh?”

 

“Erin, that’s your phone.” Holtz laughed, hearing Erin’s phone vibrate from the pocket of her sweatshirt on the counter.

 

“OH.” She blushed, but ignored the buzzing and wrapped her arms around Phil’s shoulders to stabilize herself. Holtz continued where she left off, increasing speed and pressure, thankful for the extra muscle on her arm not tiring her out. Erin rode it out, not used to 1 coming from being fingered by Phil (usually it was half assed and cut short just as a precursor to ‘get her in the mood’), and really 2 coming by means of Phil at all, _especially_ two days in a row. She gasped in oxygen as her body went limp, slumping between Phil’s body and the counter.

 

“Well, so much for your idea.”

 

“Is one really the limit?”

 

Erin’s eyebrows must have been in in her hairline. Her body soon followed as Holtz took advantage of her larger frame, swooping the pretty lady up honeymoon-style and carrying her to the bedroom. Erin was still recovering as she was plopped down on the bed, being left as her boyfriend made his way to the bathroom with the little tube of gum-numbing gel.

 

He turned before going into the bathroom, taking in the sight of his disheveled girlfriend looking his way in disbelief. “Hope your recuperation time doesn’t take long.” And with a wink he disappeared into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

 

Erin checked her phone to see if the call was urgent enough to make use of this break. She didn’t recognize the number and figured if it was important, they would have left a message.

 

Holtz has always been comfortable in her own skin. The only time her insecurity had a grip on her growing up was when she was surrounded by other people, and had been for a number of reasons that weren’t physical (besides ghost tits, of course). Messy, weird, eats gross things, stares too much, frumpy, dumpster wardrobe. She’s been called all of those and battled justifying her physical appearance and personality, but never had internal nagging of feeling like her existence was a hoax. The dystrophy she was experiencing was a heavy weight to carry, like that annoying puzzle piece you just can't place. The dread of privilege began to creep up her spine; this was only a weekend for her and she got to return to her petite, feminine build.

 

Her body had a penis and she wasn’t quite sure about that. It’s not that she hadn’t been friends with transgender people before, but she had never been intimate with one. She had an idea of what switching bodies with Phil would be like, but didn’t quite know how the standard hetero sex act would go. She squeezed the orajel into her palm and started applying it to the extremity in front of her, but could still feel too much. Glancing between the sink and her genitals, she grimaced before turning on the faucet, all the way to cold. “Here we go.” She rinsed herself until flaccid and partially numb, knowing it wouldn’t take long to get stiff again considering how hot her lover was. She finished the task at hand before returning to the bedroom.

 

Erin was leaning against a mound of pillows propped up between her and the headboard. A blanket was covering her legs, but it was clear she was still only in her undergarments. She offered a small smile and patted the bed next to her, but her underlying expression said she might run out. Phil approached, sitting down next to her with intent eyes.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Hey.”

 

“Can we talk?”

 

Holtz’s eyes traveled down the bare skin of the woman staring back at her. She reached down, pulling up the blanket and tucking it around the back of Erin’s neck and shoulders like a giant poncho bib.

 

“We can now.” She responded with a chuckle.

 

Erin blew air out of her nostrils, not quite a chuckle back. She had a concern building behind her pupils. “Really,”

 

“Yeah, of course.” Both of Erin’s hands were engulfed by Phil’s, him leaning forward enough to show she had his full attention, but not enough for Holtz to not be (too) tempted to kiss her again.

 

The concern bounced back to shock. “What’s going on?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You’re… different.”

 

“Good different?”

 

“Oh, beyond good different. Yes. Did something happen?”

 

“Erin, sweet sweet Erin. It’s not every day that a guy like me has the privilege to worship a goddess like you. You’re funny and witty, charming and quirky. Brilliant beyond the masses. You are the perfect outlier and don’t deserve to be treated as anything less.” The distance between them had not changed, but the intensity had.

 

“Not that I’m going to disagree,” she said sarcastically with a hairflip, “But it’s not our dynamic. You’re engaged. Which is a 180 from aloof.” She spun her fingers around to make her point. “Again, not complaining, just trying to understand the dramatic change.”

 

“I don’t think I really have an answer for that.” The thick tension was apparent by Holtz’s gaze landing on Erin’s lips. She was unable to pull them away, like gravity on Jupiter.

 

Erin definitely noticed and didn’t seem to want to push further with her inquiries. At least not at the moment. She linked her fingers behind Phil’s neck, pulling them closer and meeting their lips. Holtz let her weight sink onto Erin, the blanket still between them.

 

Moment by moment, she forgot that none of this was real. Well, it certainly was real and happening, but not to Holtz. This was Erin and Phil. Not Erin and Holtz. But Erin was consenting to what she knew, and reality is just a closed circle of subjective experiences anyway, right?

 

She felt her shoulder being pushed up from beneath her. “Sorry, I just can’t really breathe.”

 

Another self-inflated comment almost escaped her mouth until she remembered how that went last time. “Oh, shit. I weigh a lot, don’t I?” _More than 50 pounds your normal self, come on Holtz._

 

“Well, enough that I can’t really breathe, haha.”

 

Holtz flipped them both over, pulling the blanket out from between them.

 

“There, much better.” Erin said with a smirk from above. Although Holtz could no longer feel the organ of the main event, she could feel the pressure in her core, partially burning with desire and partially from the woman straddling her, holding her down.

 

Erin’s hips started gyrating above her as she opened her pelvis, creating more contact between them.

 

Even though she couldn’t feel the senses, imagining it- no, living it- was enough. The sight alone was going to be enough to make her break. She unhinged and removed Erin’s bra with a snap of her fingers, discarding it to the floor.

 

Holtz kneaded Erin’s breasts before taking them into her mouth, hoping the stubble was taken care of enough. Erin’s response was more than anticipation.

 

She sank deeper into her boyfriend’s lap and threw her head back, exposing her neck. Holtz felt the weight shift and was having a hard time deciding between where her mouth currently was and if she wanted to explore a new territory.

 

Moving to Erin’s jugular won out.

 

“Phil, no marks!” She giggled, “Can’t have Filmore asking about that.”

 

Ugh, what a damper. Another reminder this reality was fabricated.

 

The feeling was fleeting, as she re-focused her attention to the captivating energy in front of her.

 

“Let’s get these out of the way.” She muttered as her fingers met the elastic on the boxers around Phil’s hips.

 

Holtz squirmed out of them, allowing her numb area to spring up having a mind of its own. Erin adjusts herself over it and settled down onto it. Her gasp was soft as she felt herself be filled, lowering herself down.

 

Watching Erin take control of what she wanted and what she liked was _empowering._ She wanted to elongate this moment in time as much as possible. Erin was like a drug, infiltrating euphoria through Phil’s body and Holtz’s mind.

 

As the base, Holtz struggled to even move. She was watching an up close and personal HD version of her favorite show and the thought of moving at all to make it better for Erin never even crossed her mind. She was paralyzed. Intoxicated. Completely overwhelmed and overtaken.

 

All of the weight in Erin’s body was focused in one specific area, almost as if she was lifting her legs to redistribute her weight as needed.

 

Holtz, although numb, was unable to keep from coming. Seeing Erin disassemble in front of her was way more than she could handle. Coming together was like winning the lottery, let alone being able to fully witness your partner doing so. They competed for air, gasping it into their lungs. The warmth they felt inside was comparative to the burning connection of their eye contact.

 

Assuming she has softened and decreased in size by the way Erin rolled off her, regret and shame replaced the endorphins and ecstacy in her blood. Holtzmann feels horrible, sick almost. She got so caught up in what she doesn’t have that she used and exploited Erin, who deserves nothing but the opposite of that. Erin deserves stability, excitement, and validation.

 

She entered this weekend as a social experiment and got sucked into the vortex of having the opportunity to woo someone she would never have the honor of dating. And as much as she had truly enjoyed this weekend, she was exhausted and needed to leave.

 

On the other hand, Erin was feeling comfortable and assured in the relationship. She thought about finally introducing him to her family this holiday season. There was something youthful and refreshing, yet still sophisticated about new Phil. Something she wouldn’t mind putting a ring on. Until now, feeling abandoned, she watches Phil get up to leave with… _are those tears in his eyes?_ She feels vulnerable, but hopeful. Without really knowing what’s happening, she doesn’t resist when he gets up, quickly dresses, and flees the apartment.

 

\---

 

Holtzmann pitied herself all night, hating herself for how the weekend played out. She sobbed until falling asleep, only to wake up, relive her memories and cry herself to sleep again. The isolation was eating from the inside out. Flashbacks to her childhood only made the feeling worse. She missed her apartment. She missed her machines. She missed Abby, the only family she’s known.

 

Luckily, Phil had some NyQuil in his medicine cabinet. She took enough to knock herself out and give her some steady sleep.

 

Waking up early afternoon, her last day as Phil, she couldn’t wait another night to talk to someone.

  
  
  
\---

 

“I’m sorry, you look vaguely familiar. Do I know you?” Familiar, maybe. But the fact that this dingy man was seemingly hovering behind her demanded confrontation.

 

“I’ve seen you around Higgins. I’ve met with Dr. Gorin a few times.”

 

“Interesting, because Gorin hasn’t been employed at Higgins for years. She’s been doing consulting work for almost eight years now.” Fuck. She slipped up.

 

Tears swelled in Phil’s eyes before asking Abby if she would meet with him in private.

 

“You think I’m going to isolate myself with some scrawny white dude I _just_ met on the sidewalk? Good day. I’m waiting for someone anyway.”

 

“She’s not showing up.” The look shot back was piercing. “Abby, please.” The urgency was familiar. She was called by name. There was something in the energy of this interaction that convinced Abby to reconsider.

 

“Fine, you get one hour. In public.” Holtz was out of town for the weekend and Abby needed some entertainment. This guy looked like he was going to give a good story that she could call Patty later about.

 

\---

 

Phil hears someone in the dark basement, muttering to themself as they search the counters for something. He feels something being placed in his mouth, then his lips squeezed together and his nose pinched. Whatever was in his mouth dissolved and the rest of his senses faded away. Right before blackout, he hears from his own voice, “90 minutes, Phil.”

 

Holtzmann walks back to Phil’s home, thinking about how morbid it was that she just drugged her own body without hesitation. It’s not the first time she’s seen that though. She pushes the memories of rehab out of her mind.

 

_I shouldn’t have been sent there. Clearly, the guy from CERN was an accident. Oh god, am I actually turning into a straight white man by justifying my mistakes._

 

She needed to rechannel her emotions into something else. Feeling tears run down her cheeks, she called Erin and decided for Erin’s sake this had to happen. It could have partially been jealousy too. She wouldn’t allow herself to believe that right now, even though it’s true. Erin didn’t love Phil. They had a good weekend, but it wasn’t even Phil!

 

The phone call was merciless. Erin had to believe that Phil did not care and this weekend was a fluke. The best way to do this would be to use old Erin’s tactics against her, assign words to inaccurate implications of the behavior she knew second-hand.

 

Knowing Erin wouldn’t answer a call from a number she didn’t know, she *67’ed the call and opted for a voicemail. Her heart broke hearing Erin’s voice on the call back message. It was a perfect portrayal of her personality- equal parts goofy and comedic. But knowing her, the jitters were also present in her trying to compose her professional side.

 

 _You’re just a character. This isn’t you. Just pretend you’re an asshole of a white man. Go._ “Erin, yeah hi. This can’t happen again.” She felt her chin quiver and consciously found an ounce of willpower to make her voice sound annoyed and aloof. “This isn’t me or what I want. I figured the best way to feel alive this weekend would be convincing you I cared. You’ll never be my first priority. You are going to hold me back from my potential and I can’t carry that dead weight. Don’t contact me.” She paused and almost held back from the final blow, but knew it was necessary. “Plus, there’s no way you’re going to get tenure if Filmore finds out about your book, _ghost girl.”_

 

She was back to Phil’s apartment at this point and was crying. Could not stop crying. There was not much time left to figure out how to deal with the demon who would soon return to the premises.

 

A letter. Of course. If Phil was really as apathetic as Erin led on, framing a breakup on Erin’s behalf would not be unbelievable. Writing it was cathartic as she justified every reason Erin should not be dating this fool. Not only having read the book with a lengthy title, she had kept up on many of her journal publications as well. Knowing her literature style, Holtz felt confident enough to replicate it.

 

Feeling whoozy and knowing her time was coming to an end, she quickly put the pen away as not to leave any clues, and went to sit on the couch.

 

\---

 

There was a mix of feeling relieved and drained when she woke up back in her own body. After asking Alexa to release her, she made her way straight to Abby’s apartment.

 

Abby was her source of relentless comfort and validation and after explaining as much as she could earlier as Phil, she knew Abby would also share her relief. And she did. Not many words were spoken, but her friend held her as she tried to process everything. She had run out of tears, but not being able to cry anymore was just exhausting her more.

 

Holtzmann’s guilt for abandoning Erin started to dissipate in Abby’s presence. Not only was she inherently an understanding person, she had lived through this years ago.

 

Of course, the situation was different. Her and Erin grew up together and had never been lovers, but they were very emotionally intimate. Plus, she was just an all around wonderful human. Sure, she had some personal issues to sort through, but regardless, she was remarkable.

 

Although Holtz was generally a free spirit, a go with the flow kind of person, when she did experience emotions, they were intense. It’s not that she was sensitive, it was that she had the capacity to feel emotions all at once. But in Abby’s arms, she knew this would soon enough be a memory- a heavy one, sure, but in the past. Even in the short previous days, she had exposed more of who she is to herself than she had in years of tinkering with contraptions.

  
The passion and chemistry that weekend was unreal. But a really great artificial weekend can’t make up for the fact that Erin Gilbert should not be dating such a slug. She dozed off leaning against Abby as she reassured herself that in the long run, this would help Erin raise her standards and _hopefully_ eventually fall in love with someone who deserved her.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the way I switched through pronouns wasn't confusing or offensive to anyone. I tried to use what ever pronouns made sense from the perspective of the sentence. Please please please let me know if you think there is a better way. Also, as a cis woman, I tried to write about dysphoria as my imagination allows, but if there's anything there you think I should add, please let me know!
> 
> There will be a part 2. I'll try to finish that tonight or tomorrow.


End file.
